Feedback: giving and receiving it well

Feedback is how you and the people around you get better. Given well, it is specific and kind. Received well, it is something you are curious about, even when it stings.

Why feedback is hard

• Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen, authors of Thanks for the Feedback, explain on the Harvard Program on Negotiation site that feedback sits between two needs: wanting to grow, and wanting to be accepted as you are.
• When feedback threatens either need, people tend to reject it, even when it is useful.
• MIT Human Resources notes that as teams mature into the Norming stage, constructive criticism becomes both possible and welcomed. Feedback is a sign of a healthy team, not a broken one.
• Knowing this helps you be patient with yourself when you react badly, and with others when they react badly to you.

Giving feedback: the SBI model

• The Center for Creative Leadership (CCL) recommends Situation, Behaviour, Impact (SBI).
• Situation: name when and where. 'In this morning's 11am meeting...'
• Behaviour: describe only what you observed, without judgement. CCL contrasts 'You interrupted me while I was presenting the budget' with 'You were rude.'
• Impact: say the effect it had on you. 'I felt frustrated because it broke my train of thought.'
• CCL's extended version, SBII, adds Intent: ask about the other person's intentions, for example 'What were you hoping to achieve?', then listen. CCL notes simple solutions usually follow.
• Use SBI for praise too: 'In yesterday's rehearsal, you summarised everyone's ideas on the whiteboard. It helped us decide in ten minutes.'

When and how to give it

• Give feedback soon after the event, when details are fresh, and in private if it is critical.
• Check it is wanted and useful: 'Would some feedback on your slides be helpful before tomorrow?'
• Focus on one or two things that matter most, not a long list.
• Talk about behaviour that can change, never about someone's identity, appearance or background.
• CCL lists courage, such as speaking up or giving difficult feedback, among its 12 qualities of effective leaders. Kindly delivered honesty is a skill worth practising.

Receiving feedback: notice your trigger

• Stone and Heen describe three triggers. Truth triggers: you think the feedback is wrong or unfair.
• Relationship triggers: you react to who gave it. They warn this can make you dismiss useful information because of the source.
• Identity triggers: the feedback shakes your sense of who you are, leading to thoughts like 'I am not good enough' or 'This does not apply to me'.
• Noticing which trigger has fired helps you pause before reacting.

Questions that turn vague feedback into useful feedback

• Stone and Heen suggest asking where feedback comes from: 'What specifically did you notice that led you to say that?'
• And where it is going: 'What would you suggest I do differently next time?'
• To narrow it down: 'What is one thing I could do better?'
• Say thank you, even if you disagree. You can decide later what to act on.
• Their key point: receiving feedback well does not mean agreeing with everything. It means staying curious long enough to learn.
• Keep a simple feedback log: date, what was said, what you will try. Review it each term to see your progress.