Dementia and memory loss in the family

When a grandparent starts forgetting names or getting confused, the whole family feels it. Understanding what is happening helps you stay close, patient and kind.

Understanding dementia

• The NHS states clearly that dementia is not a natural part of ageing, and memory problems should not be dismissed as just getting older.
• Early symptoms can include memory lapses, trouble concentrating, difficulty with everyday tasks such as counting change, struggling to follow conversations or find words, confusion about time and place, and mood changes (NHS).
• These symptoms are often mild at first and may worsen gradually (NHS).
• Alzheimer's Disease International says someone in the world develops dementia every three seconds.
• If you notice changes in a relative, mention them gently to a parent. The NHS advises seeing a doctor early rather than waiting.

Before you talk

• The Alzheimer's Society suggests choosing a quiet, well-lit place and turning off the TV or radio if possible.
• Sit at eye level where they can see and hear you, rather than standing over them.
• Pick their good moments; many people with dementia have better and worse times of day.
• If they are more comfortable in another language, such as Arabic, Urdu or Malayalam, speak that language or bring a family member who does (Alzheimer's Society).

Talking and listening kindly

• Speak clearly and calmly, a little slower than usual, in short, simple sentences (Alzheimer's Society).
• Cover one idea at a time, and if they don't understand, rephrase rather than repeat the same words.
• Give time to answer and let them finish their own sentences.
• Offer a few clear choices instead of open questions: 'Would you like tea or juice?'
• Use photos, familiar objects and shared memories to spark conversation, without pressuring them to remember (Alzheimer's Society).

When they are confused or upset

• The Alzheimer's Society says you may not need to correct mistaken beliefs if they are not causing harm or anxiety.
• If a grandmother asks for someone who has passed away, gently focus on her feelings rather than arguing: 'You're thinking of him today. Tell me about him.'
• If you cannot understand what they mean, think about what they might need, such as comfort, food or a drink (Alzheimer's Society).
• If you feel yourself getting frustrated, step away if it is safe, then come back and reconnect (Alzheimer's Society).
• Never laugh at them. Gentle shared humour is fine, as long as they don't feel laughed at.

Supporting the family

• Alzheimer's Disease International estimates that informal care for people with dementia adds up to 133 billion hours a year worldwide, much of it by family.
• Offer practical help: sit with your grandparent so a parent can rest, help with meals or come along to appointments.
• Talk with adults in the family about safety concerns you notice, such as the cooker left on or getting lost outside, so they can plan with doctors.
• Look after yourself too. If caring is taking over your time, the young carers lesson in this module explains where to get help.