Personal Safety and Self-Defence · Lesson 3 of 9 · 11 min

De-escalation and the assertive voice

Most confrontations can be calmed down or walked away from. Knowing how to lower the temperature, and when to stop talking and leave, keeps you safe and out of trouble.

Why walking away is the strongest move

Your aim is to get home safe, not to win an argument. Pride is never worth an injury or a police case.
In the UAE, fights can lead to criminal charges for everyone involved, and as lesson ps-05 explains, self-defence only covers force that is genuinely necessary.
Leaving early, before things heat up, is the easiest and safest form of de-escalation.
Your safety is more important than your belongings. If someone demands your phone or bag, Avon and Somerset Police (UK) suggest considering handing it over rather than risking injury.

Calm body language

Keep your tone and body language neutral. This goes a long way towards defusing a situation (Crisis Prevention Institute, via Columbia University).
As a person gets more upset, they react more to your body language than to your words.
Keep your hands visible and open, palms facing the other person, at about chest height. This looks calm but also gives you a barrier (see ps-04, 'the fence').
Stand slightly side-on rather than squared up, and avoid pointing, jabbing fingers or stepping forward.
Do not touch the other person. Even a hand on the shoulder can be read as aggression.

Distance is your friend

Keep space between you and an angry person. Columbia's de-escalation guidance suggests standing at least 1.5 to 3 feet (roughly half a metre to a metre) from someone who is escalating.
Self-defence instructors often aim to keep an aggressor from getting within about 3 to 4 feet (about a metre) (Black Belt Magazine).
If they step forward, step back or to the side. Keep something between you, such as a table or a car, if you can.
Always know where your way out is, and avoid letting yourself be backed into a corner.

Words that calm things down

Speak slowly and quietly. Shouting back almost always makes things worse.
Listen. Upset people often want to feel heard. 'I can see you're annoyed' costs you nothing.
Apologise to leave, even if you did nothing wrong: 'Sorry, my mistake, I'm going.' It is a tool, not an admission.
Do not trade insults, argue the details or film the person in their face. Those actions keep the conflict going.
Give them a few moments of silence to think. When a person is upset, they lose the ability to hear what you say.

When to use your loud voice

If someone keeps coming towards you after you have tried to calm things and leave, switch to a short, loud, firm command: 'Back off!', 'Stop!' or 'No!'
A loud voice does two jobs: it sets a clear boundary and it attracts attention. Offenders don't want to be caught in the act (Tasmania Police).
Shout specific words rather than screaming, so people nearby understand there is a problem. 'Back off, I don't know you!' tells bystanders what is happening.
Then move away immediately towards people, staff or security, and call 999 if you feel in danger.

Practise in real life

Tick each one off when you have done it.

Practise the 'calm stance' in a mirror: side-on, open palms at chest height, relaxed face.
Practise saying 'Back off!' in a loud, deep, firm voice (somewhere it will not alarm anyone). Most people are surprised how hard it is the first time.
Think of one apology-and-exit line you could use, such as 'Sorry, my mistake, I'm off', and say it until it feels natural.

Remember

Leaving is winning.
Calm voice, open hands, side-on stance, no touching.
Keep at least an arm's length or more, and keep your exit clear.
If calm fails, use a loud 'Back off!' and move towards people.

Note: The distance guidance comes from US workplace and martial arts sources and is a rough rule, not an exact measurement. Use common sense: more distance is always safer.

Check yourself

1. What does the Crisis Prevention Institute guidance (via Columbia University) say goes a long way towards defusing a situation?

2. Roughly how much space does the de-escalation guidance suggest keeping from someone who is escalating?

3. Someone bumps into you and starts shouting. What is the best first move?

4. When is a loud 'Back off!' most appropriate?

5. A stranger demands your phone. What do UK police suggest you consider?