Speaking up: assertiveness, I-statements and saying no

Being assertive means saying what you think, feel and need clearly and calmly, while still respecting the other person. It is not being rude or bossy, and it is one of the most useful skills you can take to university and work.

Three ways to communicate

• Passive: going along with others, finding it hard to disagree, aiming to please. Examples: 'I'm ok with whatever you think', 'You decide' (Charles Sturt University).
• Aggressive: pushing your view on others, using inconsiderate language, trying to win at their expense. Examples: 'This is what we are doing', 'You never listen to me'.
• Assertive: sharing your view with confidence and respect and aiming for solutions both sides can live with. Example: 'I'd like to discuss this further to find a solution that works for both of us.'
• Mayo Clinic describes assertiveness as a core communication skill that lets you stand up for yourself while respecting other people's rights and beliefs.
• Mayo Clinic notes that being assertive can build self-esteem, reduce stress and stop you being taken advantage of, and that passive agreement often builds resentment over time.

I-statements: say how you feel without blaming

• An I-statement describes your feelings and the specific behaviour, rather than attacking the person. Mayo Clinic's example: say 'I disagree' instead of 'You're wrong'.
• Kids Helpline suggests naming the behaviour, when it happened and how often. Its example: 'I feel disrespected when you speak over the top of me.'
• A simple formula: 'I feel [feeling] when [specific behaviour], because [why it matters]. Could we [request]?'
• Worked example: instead of 'You always leave me out', try 'I felt left out when the plan was made without me on Saturday. Next time, could you add me to the chat?'
• Make requests simple and direct: 'I would like you to help with this' rather than 'You need to do this' (Mayo Clinic).

Saying no

• You can decline directly: 'No, I can't do that now.' Mayo Clinic puts it simply: no is a complete sentence and you do not need to explain why; if you do give a reason, keep it brief.
• Short, kind refusals: 'Thanks, but I'll pass', 'Not this time', 'I can't take that on this week.'
• If someone keeps pushing, repeat the same calm answer, sometimes called the broken record: 'I said no, and I still mean it.' The Government of Newfoundland and Labrador lists repeating yourself as one way to say no.
• Offer an alternative if you genuinely want to help: 'I can't do the whole poster, but I can check the spelling on Thursday.'
• Saying no to one request is not rejecting the person. Good friends respect a no.

Body language and tone

• Mayo Clinic suggests an upright posture, facing the person, steady eye contact, and avoiding crossed arms.
• Keep your voice even and firm. If you are upset, wait if you can and breathe slowly before you speak (Mayo Clinic).
• Choose the setting: a private, calm moment works far better than a busy corridor or a group chat.
• Be respectful of cultural norms, for example speaking more formally to elders. Assertiveness is about clarity and respect, not volume.

Practise before it matters

• Notice your current style: do you stay silent, say yes too often, or blame others? (Mayo Clinic)
• Rehearse: say the words out loud, write a short script, or role-play with a friend or sibling.
• Start small, in low-stakes situations such as telling a café your order is wrong, before tackling a harder conversation.
• If anger, anxiety or fear keep getting in the way, Mayo Clinic suggests talking to a mental health professional, and the school counsellor is a good first step.