Peer pressure and making your own choices

Friends shape who we become, often for the better. But sometimes the pressure to fit in pushes you towards things you would not choose on your own. Knowing why it happens and having your words ready makes it much easier to stay yourself.

Positive and negative peer influence

• Peer influence is not all bad. KidsHealth notes that friends can offer good examples, honest feedback, encouragement and new experiences, such as joining a sport or studying harder together.
• Negative pressure pushes you towards things that are risky, unkind or against your values, for example shoplifting, vaping or drugs, dangerous driving, or being cruel to someone online.
• Pressure can be direct ('Come on, everyone's doing it') or unspoken, such as signals that you must dress or talk a certain way, adopt certain attitudes or buy certain things (KidsHealth).
• Raising Children Network notes that friends who push you to change how you dress or pressure you into stealing or drinking are signs of a toxic friendship.

Why it feels so strong at your age

• A Temple University study (Chein, Steinberg and colleagues, Developmental Science) used a driving game in a brain scanner. Teenagers and adults took similar risks alone, but only the teenagers took more risks when friends were watching (ScienceDaily).
• The researchers found that the brain's reward areas were more active in teenagers when they knew peers were watching, which suggests friends make the 'payoff' of a risk feel bigger.
• Kids Helpline notes that the ability to assess risk is one of the last things to develop in the brain, which keeps maturing until your mid-twenties, and that teenagers are more likely to make emotional or impulsive decisions.
• This is not an excuse, it is useful knowledge: when you are with a group, plan your choices in advance, because in the moment the pull will be stronger than you expect.

Ten ways to say no

• Just say no: 'No, I'm not doing that.' Or give a short reason: 'I can't risk getting into trouble for that.' (Government of Newfoundland and Labrador)
• Use humour: 'Nice try, but I'm not that brave today.' Or an excuse: 'Sorry, I have to be home by six.'
• Suggest something else: 'Let's grab food instead.' Or change the subject: 'Anyway, did you finish the chemistry homework?'
• Repeat yourself calmly, or simply leave: 'I've got to head out now, see you later.'
• Use the power of numbers: agree in advance with a friend that you will both say no, so neither of you is alone.
• KidsHealth adds: you do not need to over-explain or apologise. Good friends will respect your answer.

Plan ahead

• Decide your limits before you go out, and rehearse what you will say (KidsHealth).
• Agree a code word or message with a parent so you can be picked up without losing face. KidsHealth suggests a line like 'Can you come and drive me home? I have a terrible earache.'
• Stay close to at least one like-minded friend. KidsHealth notes that having just one person on your side makes it much easier to resist.
• Trust your instincts: if something feels wrong, it probably is, even if everyone else seems fine with it.
• If a situation becomes dangerous, leave and get adult help. In the UAE, call 999 in an emergency.

Being the one who changes the direction

• When one person speaks up or refuses, others often follow (KidsHealth). You might be giving a quieter friend permission to say no too.
• You can be kind and firm at the same time: 'I'm out, but no judgement, I'll see you tomorrow.'
• If a group repeatedly makes you feel you have to choose between them and your values, that is a sign to invest in other friendships.
• Pressure does not end at school. The same skills help at university and at work, for example with pressure to cheat on coursework or overspend to keep up.