Self-compassion, criticism and failure

Everyone fails, gets criticised and makes mistakes, especially while learning. How you talk to yourself afterwards affects whether you bounce back and improve, or give up.

What self-compassion is

• Psychologist Kristin Neff describes three parts: self-kindness instead of harsh self-judgement, common humanity instead of isolation, and mindfulness instead of over-identifying with painful thoughts.
• Self-kindness: treating yourself with warmth when you struggle, as you would a good friend.
• Common humanity: remembering that failure and imperfection are part of being human, so you are not alone.
• Mindfulness: noticing painful thoughts and feelings in a balanced way, without ignoring them or blowing them up.
• Self-compassion is not making excuses or lowering standards. It is supporting yourself so you can face what went wrong.

Does being kind to yourself make you lazy?

• Many people fear that without harsh self-criticism they will stop trying. Research suggests the opposite.
• In four experiments by Juliana Breines and Chen (2012), people guided to think about a weakness, mistake or failed test with self-compassion were more motivated to improve, more interested in studying and more likely to make amends than comparison groups.
• Neff's site reports that self-compassion is linked to taking personal responsibility, healthier habits, more resilience and lower anxiety and depression.
• Self-criticism tends to trigger shame and avoidance. Self-compassion makes it safer to look honestly at what went wrong.

Handling criticism

• Pause before responding. Your first reaction to criticism is often defensive; that is normal.
• Separate the feedback from your worth: 'My essay structure needs work' is not the same as 'I am a bad student'.
• Ask clarifying questions: 'Can you give me an example?' or 'What would make it stronger?'
• Sort it: is it accurate, partly accurate or unfair? Take what is useful. You can thank someone for feedback without agreeing with all of it.
• If criticism is cruel, public or repeated, that is not feedback. Talk to a trusted adult, and see the Personal Safety module for bullying support.

Bouncing back from failure

• Name the feeling precisely: disappointed, embarrassed, ashamed. Then remind yourself many people have felt this way about similar setbacks.
• Check your thoughts with the NHS method: is 'I always fail' true, or is it black-and-white thinking or filtering out the positive?
• Ask three learning questions: What went well? What would I do differently? What is one next step?
• Example: you get a lower mock grade than expected. Instead of 'I'm useless at chemistry', try 'This was disappointing. I lost most marks on calculations, so this week I'll do two practice papers and ask my teacher about the method.'

Self-compassion tools

• The friend test: ask what you would say to a close friend in the same situation, then say it to yourself. The NHS and Mind both recommend this.
• Self-compassion break (from Mind): notice how you feel, then offer kind words such as 'I'm trying my best'.
• Write a short letter to yourself responding to a struggle as a supportive friend would. Mind offers a template.
• Breines and Chen's participants wrote for just 3 minutes about a weakness from a 'compassionate and understanding perspective'. You can do the same.