Handling anger and frustration well

Anger is a normal, sometimes useful emotion: it tells you something feels unfair or blocked. The skill is to notice it early, calm your body and act in a way you will not regret.

Spot the early warning signs

• Body signs listed by the NHS: faster heartbeat, tense muscles, clenched fists, a tight chest, feeling hot.
• Mind signs: feeling tense, unable to relax, easily irritated, humiliated or resentful.
• Behaviour signs: shouting, sulking or ignoring people, starting fights, breaking things.
• Mind suggests asking people close to you what they notice when you start getting angry. They often see it before you do.

What actually calms anger (and what does not)

• A 2024 review by Kjaervik and Bushman of 154 studies with over 10,000 participants found that calming activities reduced anger: slow breathing, mindfulness, progressive muscle relaxation, slow yoga and taking a timeout.
• Venting, the idea that 'letting it all out' empties anger, had little support and sometimes increased anger. Bushman said there is 'not a shred of scientific evidence to support catharsis theory'.
• Most high-arousal exercise, such as jogging while angry, did not reduce anger in the moment, though enjoyable ball sports and play seemed to help. Regular exercise is still good for stress overall, as the NHS notes.
• Practical in-the-moment options: step away, breathe out longer than you breathe in, splash cold water on your face or squeeze a stress ball (all suggested by Mind).

Change the thoughts that fuel anger

• The APA suggests replacing exaggerated thoughts like 'everything is ruined' with more measured ones: 'This is frustrating, but it can be fixed.'
• Avoid 'always' and 'never' ('you never listen'). These words make problems seem unsolvable and push people away.
• Turn demands into preferences: 'I would like my brother to ask before borrowing my things' feels very different from 'he must'.
• Ask Mind's questions: is this really about this person, or something else? Will this matter in six months? Did they mean to upset me?

Express anger without damage

• Use an assertive statement: 'I'm feeling angry and need a break.' Or: 'I felt disrespected when my idea was dismissed in front of the group. Can we talk about it?'
• In a disagreement, the APA advises slowing down, thinking before speaking and listening for the need underneath the other person's anger.
• Avoid sarcasm, which the APA describes as another form of unhealthy anger.
• Before sending an angry message, Mind suggests considering who might see it and waiting at least half an hour or until tomorrow.
• If you hurt someone, apologise and explain that you are learning better ways to handle anger.

Long-term habits and when to get help

• Keep an anger diary for a few weeks: situation, trigger, how you reacted, how you felt after and what you could do differently. Mind says you may spot patterns over a couple of months.
• Sort problems into what you can control (plan for them) and what you cannot (use calming tools). The NHS suggests focusing your energy on what you can change.
• Look after basics: sleep, food, rest and regular movement all affect how easily you get irritated.
• Anger about injustice can be channelled into constructive action, such as volunteering or respectful advocacy.
• The NHS advises getting professional help if you struggle to cope, self-help is not working, you act in an abusive or violent way or you have had low mood for more than 2 weeks.