Building real confidence and self-esteem

Confidence is not about feeling amazing all the time or thinking you are better than others. Lasting confidence comes from realistic self-belief, small wins and treating yourself fairly.

What the research says about self-esteem

• A major 2003 review by Roy Baumeister and colleagues found that high self-esteem does not clearly cause better school performance. Good performance seems partly to raise self-esteem instead.
• The same review found that people with high self-esteem rate themselves as more likeable, but objective measures mostly do not support this.
• Self-esteem was, however, strongly related to happiness.
• The authors concluded that simply boosting self-esteem is not a reliable route to success, and recommended using praise as a reward for good behaviour and self-improvement rather than handing it out indiscriminately.
• Lesson for you: build confidence by doing things and improving, not by repeating that you are the best.

Challenge the inner critic

• The NHS suggests writing down negative beliefs about yourself, when they started and evidence against them.
• Example: belief 'I'm not clever'. Evidence against: 'I solved the hardest maths question in class last week' and 'My teacher praised my essay'.
• Watch out for comparing yourself on social media. Mind notes social media often does not show real life, and suggests unfollowing accounts that make you feel bad.

Build evidence through action

• Set small, specific challenges. The NHS suggests small goals, such as joining a class, to build confidence over time.
• Mind recommends breaking big goals into smaller tasks, focusing on one or two at a time and planning how you will celebrate success.
• Keep an achievements jar or list: add one dated achievement each day, however small (Mind).
• Example ladder for speaking confidence: ask one question in class, then answer one, then present to a small group, then volunteer to present in assembly.
• Try something new, such as an instrument, a language phrase or a sport. New skills prove to you that you can learn.

Know and use your strengths

• Write a positive list of your strengths and good things people have said about you. The NHS suggests aiming for at least 5 items and keeping it where you can see it.
• Notice activities you enjoy and are good at; the NHS says doing them can lift your mood.
• Ask two people who know you well what they think your strengths are. You may be surprised.

Relationships and assertiveness

• Spend more time with people who appreciate you and less with those who bring you down (NHS, Mind).
• Practise assertiveness: give your opinion, say how you feel and ask for what you need, while respecting others (Mind).
• Replace 'I don't mind' with a clear preference when you have one: 'I'd prefer the earlier time.'
• Say no when you need to. The NHS notes you can repeat a refusal in different ways if someone pushes.
• Be kind to yourself when things go wrong; see the self-compassion lesson. Self-compassion gives a steadier sense of worth than self-esteem based only on success.