Making friends when you are shy

Many shy students assume everyone else is finding it easy. Research suggests people like you more than you think, and that friendship mostly comes down to time spent together, which is something you can plan for.

The liking gap: people like you more than you think

• In a 2018 paper in Psychological Science, Erica Boothby and colleagues found that after a conversation, people consistently underestimated how much their partner liked them and enjoyed talking to them. They called this the 'liking gap'.
• The gap was larger for shyer people, and it showed up whether conversations lasted 2 minutes or 45 minutes.
• In one study, new first-year students sharing dormitory suites at Yale underestimated how much their suite-mates liked them at every survey from September onwards except the final one in May, so the gap can last for months.
• Practical meaning: the voice in your head saying 'they found me boring' is often wrong. Treat it as a known bias, not a fact.

Friendship is built in hours

• Communication researcher Jeffrey Hall (University of Kansas) estimated that it takes about 40 to 60 hours together to go from acquaintance to casual friend, about 80 to 100 hours to become a friend, and more than 200 hours to become a close friend.
• Hall found that time spent socialising counts for more than time spent working side by side.
• One of his studies followed first-year students in the weeks after they arrived, which is exactly the stage you will be in.
• So the goal is not to be dazzling in one conversation. It is to keep turning up where the same people are: the same seat in lectures, the same society session, the same kitchen at dinner time.

Small openers that work

• In a lecture or seminar: 'Hi, I'm Sara. Did you manage the reading for today?' UCAS student advice is simply to introduce yourself to people you sit next to.
• In the shared kitchen: 'That smells good, what are you making?' or 'Does anyone know how this oven works?'
• At a society: 'Is this your first session too?' Shared activities help because, as UCAS notes, you are less likely to have awkward silences.
• UCAS suggests keeping a packet of biscuits in your room to share with anyone who drops by. Leaving your door open for an hour while you unpack does the same job.
• Prepare two or three follow-up questions you can use anywhere: 'What made you choose this course?', 'Where are you from?', 'What are you doing this weekend?'

From familiar face to friend

• Hall's advice is to change the setting: if you only see someone in class, suggest lunch or a coffee after the lecture.
• Make the invitation small and specific: 'A few of us are getting food after this, want to come?' is easier to say yes to than 'We should hang out sometime.'
• Remember names and one detail ('How did your swimming trial go?'). It shows interest without needing to be the life of the party.
• If you click with one person in a group, ask them to introduce you to their friends; one connection often leads to several.

Working with your shyness, not against it

• Shyness is a temperament, not a flaw. You do not need to become loud; you need a few settings where you feel comfortable enough to return.
• Many shy people do better one-to-one or in small groups with a task (a board game night, a volunteering shift, a study session) than at big parties.
• Set a gentle target, such as one new conversation a day in the first two weeks, and notice that most go fine.
• If shyness turns into fear that stops you going to lectures or eating in shared spaces, talk to your university's wellbeing service; the Mental Health module explains when anxiety needs support.