The dichotomy of control

Epictetus's Handbook opens with one idea that many people find life-changing: some things are up to you and some are not. Sorting your worries into those two piles can make exams, friendships and family life feel much lighter.

The opening lines of the Handbook

• Enchiridion 1 (George Long's translation) begins: "Of things some are in our power, and others are not."
• In our power, Epictetus says, are opinion, movement towards a thing, desire and aversion: "and in a word, whatever are our own acts."
• Not in our power are "the body, property, reputation, offices (magisterial power), and in a word, whatever are not our own acts."
• The IEP describes this as the starting point of Epictetus's ethics: we are responsible for some things and not for others.
• Notice what is on the 'not in our power' list: your body, your possessions and what others think of you. You can influence them, but you do not finally control them.

Sorting real worries: three worked examples

• Exams. In your power: your revision plan, sleep, past papers, asking for help, how you respond on the day. Not in your power: which questions come up, grade boundaries, how others perform.
• Friendship. In your power: being honest, kind and reliable, apologising when you are wrong, inviting people. Not in your power: whether someone replies quickly, likes you back or chooses other friends.
• Family. In your power: your tone, keeping your promises, explaining your view calmly. Not in your power: your parents' final decision, a sibling's mood, a family move.
• The point is not to stop caring about the second list. It is to put your effort where it can actually make a difference.

The middle ground: things you partly control

• The modern writer William Irvine suggests a third group: things we only partly control (IEP).
• His example is a tennis match. You cannot guarantee a win, so he suggests making your goal 'play as well as I can' rather than 'win'.
• Applied to school: replace 'get an A' with 'complete every past paper by May and review each mistake'. You can fully commit to the second goal.
• You will still hope for the good result. The Stoic move is to judge yourself on what was in your hands.

Accepting what happens, then acting

• Enchiridion 8: "Seek not that the things which happen should happen as you wish; but wish the things which happen to be as they are, and you will have a tranquil flow of life."
• This is not giving up. Your own actions are on the 'in our power' list, so the dichotomy pushes you to act on them fully.
• Example: the university you wanted rejects you. You cannot change the decision, but you can choose your next step, ask for feedback and look at your other offers.
• Acceptance is about the past and the uncontrollable. Effort is about the present and your own choices.

A two-minute control check

• Step 1: write the worry in one sentence. 'I am scared I will fail chemistry.'
• Step 2: draw two columns: 'mine' and 'not mine'. List everything connected to the worry.
• Step 3: circle one thing in the 'mine' column you can do in the next 24 hours, such as 'do 20 minutes of moles questions tonight'.
• Step 4: for the 'not mine' column, say to yourself: 'I will do my part and meet the rest when it comes.'
• Repeat whenever you notice the same worry looping.