Etiquette · Lesson 4 of 21 · 12 min

The art of conversation

Good conversationalists are not the people who talk most. They are the people who make others feel interesting.

Starting a conversation

Open with something you both share: the venue, the food, the event, or how you know the host.
Ask open questions ('What did you think of the talk?') rather than yes/no questions.
If you ask something personal, share something about yourself first so it feels balanced.
Keep up with news, sport and culture so you always have something to offer.

Clear your mind of what you want to say next.
Nod, use small responses ('I see', 'Really?') and ask follow-up questions.
Keep your eyes on the person. Wandering eyes make people feel you are killing time.
Make eye contact but do not stare; sit or stand upright, because slouching signals boredom.

At mixed social events avoid politics, religion, money, gossip and complaints about the host.
Never assume someone shares your views.
If a debate heats up, close it gracefully: 'We obviously see this differently. Let's move on.'

Interrupt only when it is urgent, and start with 'I'm sorry to interrupt.'
Give sincere, specific compliments, and not only about appearance: 'Your presentation on water scarcity was really clear.'
Accept compliments without brushing them off: 'Thank you, I really appreciate that.' You do not have to return one.

Tick each one off when you have done it.

At your next gathering, have three open questions ready and use them.
Have one full conversation where you ask at least three follow-up questions before talking about yourself.
Practise accepting a compliment with just 'Thank you' this week.

1. Which is the best conversation opener at a family friend's dinner?

2. Someone compliments your essay. The best response is:

3. A political debate at dinner is getting heated. What should you say?

4. What is a graceful way to leave a conversation?